Is your relationship too good?

You probably know of people who have been together for many years and each time you see them it appears as if they are extremely close, so close that they need each other and would fall apart if they separated. It might seem as if they are taking incredibly good care of each other, almost better care than they would of young children, and each with unlimited patience for each other. Maybe you know of a couple such as this who did in fact separate eventually and everyone who knew them was totally shocked because they seemed to be so right for each other and their relationship seemed so strong.

Often in such cases the couple have been in a very strong pattern of relating called a positive bonding pattern. A positive bonding pattern is when both people in the relationship take care of the other's inner child in some way, and the feelings which are generated are positive.

So what is wrong with a positive bonding pattern if it feels good, if the feelings are positive? There's nothing wrong with them except that if you are in one for an extended period of time, you miss out on much more than you gain.

For example, if in your relationship your inner Nurturing Mother is bonded to your partner's inner Needy Son, and your partner's inner Good Father is bonded with your inner Daughter, then you will both feel safe and well cared for, as long as you both stayed in the bonding pattern.

So what do you lose out on? First of all, you lose out on the experiences of life all the other selves which constitute your psyche can offer you. If you are always in the Nurturing Mother role to your husband's Needy Son and the Pleasing Daughter to his inner Father, you might rarely get to do anything for yourself, such as a course to further your education, travel to somewhere you would really like to visit but your partner isn't interested in, or simply go out to dinner with a friend, leaving your partner at home on his or her own.

Second, you miss out on being true to all your feelings. If you reacted honestly to your partner then you might have to react negatively at times. But this would then break the 'contract' of the positive bonding pattern. Your underlying fear that if you did react honestly your partner might not accept you, stops you from doing so and consequently you let things go and allow those feelings to build up inside.

Thirdly, you miss out on passion in your relationship. There is little passion between Nurturing Mothers and their Sons and Pleasing Daughters and their Fathers. In fact, one of the major problems people have in long-term relationships is the loss of sexuality in the relationship - the positive bonding pattern is the reason this happens. A fulfilling adult-to-adult love life requires that you both have access to other energies, much like you probably had when you first met and there were no strong bonding patterns formed yet.

Finally, the stronger the positive bonding pattern, the stronger the negative bonding pattern which might (and usually does eventually) follow. The more identified you both are with your roles in the positive bonding pattern, the more you will have buried over time. And this buried stuff, when it finally erupts, will be the ammunition and fuel for a world war 10 type negative bonding pattern which I will discuss in the next post.


How do you know you are in a positive bonding pattern?

Generally, if you feel taken care of by your partner in some way and you take care of them in some way, and this is an ongoing situation, and it always feels really good, yet you feel or know there is something missing or there is something you are suppressing, you are in one.

Another way of telling is when you hold back reactions to 'keep the peace'.


Exercise

What to do if you are in a positive bonding pattern:

* Accept that they are inevitable and enjoy the good feelings which they bring. But when you realise you are in one, try to identify which primary selves you are both identified with and then try to reclaim the opposite - your parter will reveal to you what the opposite is.

* Learn to recognise and take care of your own vulnerability - what do you feel vulnerable about in your relationship? Develop a conscious relationship with those feelings and do something about caring for them.

* If you have a reaction to your partner, honour it. Express it or at least recognise it in yourself and validate it. Accept that it is okay to not always have good feelings towards your partner or about something they have done, chosen, bought, given you, said. You each have many selves and not all of these will like everything about your partner - some won't be very impressed at all, some will be indifferent, some will absolutely adore your partner, and others won't even understand nor care for the whole concept of being in a relationship with them.

* Try to nurture your partner with conscious intention - with awareness about what you are doing and about your other, maybe contradictory, feelings. Consciously bring in nurturing energy and then extend it to your partner, and let it go when you deem appropriate.